Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
