i was born a porn star she said
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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