Im at strip club and am horny
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
