i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She told me I should be a condom model.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
