just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
