Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
