I haven't been this sober since birth.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
We are all done wearing pants today
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
