She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
