She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
