I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
