i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
