i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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