I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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