Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
