I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
