I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
