booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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