Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
