I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
