I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
