My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
