I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
