so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
