a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
