so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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