You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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