whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
