bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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