i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
