if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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