No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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