apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
