Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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