But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
