That's when you crack a 10am beer
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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