she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
