my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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