Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
