Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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