you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
