If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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