yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
