right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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