I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
