know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
