Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
