I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
