I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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