If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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