he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
