i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Is Oprah even human
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
