i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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